Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Address the ‘SNL’ Nation – Transcript
September 14, 2008 by Chandra
If you haven’t heard yet, Saturday Night Live’s 34th-season premiere on September 13 featured a single highlight that is destined to go down in the annals of television history as one of the medium’s most memorable events: former SNL head writer Tina Fey and current SNL player Amy Poehler addressing the nation as Republican Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin and Democratic New York Senator Hillary Clinton, respectively.
Read the full transcript of their hilarious Nonpartisan Message after the jump and take a(nother) look at the video of the opening SNL segment, too. I just can’t get enough of this one, hence the multiple posts. We shall soon return to coverage of traditional scripted comedy television, though — promise.
TINA FEY as SARAH PALIN & AMY POEHLER as HILLARY CLINTON
Sexism in Campaign Politics
FEY/PALIN: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.
FEY/PALIN: Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain’s running mate.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama, as evidenced by this button.
FEY/PALIN: But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.
POEHLER/CLINTON: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.
FEY/PALIN: You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…
POEHLER/CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
FEY/PALIN: And I can see Russia from my house.
POEHLER/CLINTON: I believe global warming is caused by man.
FEY/PALIN: And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.
POEHLER/CLINTON: I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.
FEY/PALIN: I don’t know what that is.
POEHLER/CLINTON: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.
FEY/PALIN: So, please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And stop saying I have cankles.
FEY/PALIN: Don’t refer to me as a “MILF.”
POEHLER/CLINTON: And don’t refer to me as a “Flurge.” I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.
FEY/PALIN: So, we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like “pretty,” “attractive,” “beautiful.”
POEHLER/CLINTON: “Harpy,” “shrew,” and “boner shrinker.”
FEY/PALIN: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska. What’s the difference—
POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.
FEY/PALIN: …between a hockey mom—
POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.
FEY/PALIN: …and a pitbull?
POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.
FEY/PALIN: (PAUSE) Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?
POEHLER/CLINTON: (PAUSE) I cannot.
FEY/PALIN: It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.
POEHLER/CLINTON: No! Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman. And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses.
FEY/PALIN: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President.
POEHLER/CLINTON: Anyone.
FEY/PALIN: All you have to do is want it.
POEHLER/CLINTON: (LAUGHS) Yeah, you know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I should have wanted it more. (RIPS OFF PIECE OF PODIUM)
FEY/PALIN: So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.
POEHLER/CLINTON: Although it is never sexist to question female politicians’ credentials. Please ask this one about dinosaurs. So, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.
FEY/PALIN: And as we say in Alaska—
POEHLER/CLINTON: We say it everywhere—
FEY & POEHLER: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!
I’m glad I watched SNL because this was the funniest segment of the night.
Absolutely, Arieanna. A couple of days later and people are still buzzing about it!
Tina Fey can use her talents more appropriately. Immitating someone running for office before an election is in completely poor taste, and can impact the election. This is inappropriate for anyone who has the ability to reach many more viewers than does the average person. We need to ‘respect’ our freedom of speech more, and excercise restraint when it is correct to do so.